Self Destruct Read online

  “I was nervous about tonight,” Jake admitted. “You were? Why?” I knew my forehead was doing that scrunchy thing it does when I am confused, but I was too curious to worry about the wrinkles Toni swears it is going to cause. “Well, you know typical first date jitters. We have hung out, but it has always been so casual, and mostly school related. I wasn’t sure if you were going to verbally bash an ex, eat with your mouth open, or order a salad when you really want a steak. You know the typical bullshit that happens on a bad first date. I really didn’t want to ruin the idea of you with something like that.”

  “The idea of me?” I manage to respond. “Come on, you are gorgeous, smart, funny, and really sweet. I wanted to continue to think of you like that, but I had to know you better. So I decided what the hell.” “Sure what the hell,” I muttered. Wow, I am a great conversationalist. Somebody shoot me.

  “Let’s take this up a level. Wanna play a game?” Jake suggested with raised eyebrows. My stomach dropped at his suggestion. Play with Jake? Uh, yes please. “Depends,” I began. “On what?” “On whether or not this game leads to skinny dipping, or any other acts that might make me infamous on YouTube,” I answered. “No nudity. Although I might revisit the skinny dipping idea later on,” he smirked devilishly. “You can ask me a question and I will ask you one like it. The more personal you get the more I do. Get it?”

  I gulped. There are so many things that I don’t feel like sharing. Oh well you only live once. “How old were you when you got your first kiss?” “Twelve. Ok, same question for you.” I nod, this I can answer, “Fourteen.”

  Shit I was running out of safe topics, and I only asked one question. I’m not really prepared to announce over dinner that I still have my V-card. I really don’t want to get into my parents' divorce, or my mother’s fears. Especially not that, seriously how many mothers don’t let their children go to their friend’s house because she has an older brother? Don’t let their daughters hang out with friends in their own yard because the neighbors might be perverts? She suffered because of my past. I get that, but how am I supposed to move past what happened if I'm constantly sheltered. Sure, talking might help, but we never recognize the incident. See, I really don’t want to take this game in this direction.

  Jake noticed my hesitation. He smiled reassuringly at me, “Rebecca, I just want to get to know you better. You don’t have to unload whatever dark images just raced through your mind. Don’t answer anything you don’t want to ok?” I nodded again, I was starting to look like a bobble head, but I pushed on because I wanted to get to know him better too. “Alright, what is the craziest thing you have ever done?”

  He thought for a minute. I was starting to sense that beneath the nice guy exterior Jake is a bit reckless. “I went to Europe alone and backpacked for the entire summer after I graduated high school. I just packed a bag, bought a ticket and went. I didn’t tell anyone I was going, but I did leave my parents a note. I only had a little bit of money. I walked, took rides, and did odd jobs in vineyards and such for extra money. Man were my parents pissed when I came back, but I moved out a couple of weeks later so I really didn’t have to put up with them for long.”

  His eyes started shining with mischief, “Where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it?” Damn. I swallowed my soda wrong and began to choke. “Uh…” shit, shit, shit, “I haven’t,” I squeaked. His mouth dropped, and he looked disappointed. “So you’re a…” He couldn’t even spit it out. “Yeah, I am,” I shrugged. This wasn’t going well. “You would have said something right?” He asked narrowing his eyes. “Probably, but it didn’t really seem like a first date topic. Look it isn’t a big deal. I never really met anyone that did it for me, and I don’t just throw myself around for the sake of experience.”

  “It is a big deal, and a lot of pressure,” Jake replied. “I don’t exactly remember offering you my virginity,” I snapped. “You’re right I’m sorry. I just, hell, never mind. Are you ready to go?” I had a sense he was going to take me back to my place now, and that might be exactly where I wanted to go.

  He pulled his truck into my parking lot. I didn’t sit next to him on the ride back; it just felt too awkward. I held my breath for the incoming brush off, and he turned to face me. I could see the conflict written all over his face.

  “I know I asked you back to my place, but I don’t think I can sit close to you while you are wet and half naked without trying to seduce you. I don’t want to take advantage of you like that.” He brushed his hand across my cheek, pushing wayward strands of hair out of my face. He left his hand cupped to the side of my face before slipping it behind my neck. Then he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. Yep I just became a kid in his eyes. “I’m going out of town for a week. A friend of mine is getting married back in my hometown. I’ll call you when I get back.”

  I smiled weakly and nodded. There I went with the bobble head thing again. I opened the door to his truck and let myself in my apartment. I was fairly sure, not a hundred percent but close enough, that I just got a brush off, because I’m not a slut. What. The. Hell.

  As if she had super heightened best friend powers my phone started ringing Toni’s personal ringtone, Bananas by Gwen Stefani. Because well it just fit her, and her love of old music. I slid my finger over the screen and took her call. “Hey,” I answered without my usual enthusiasm. “I’m not going to say it,” she said. “Say what?”

  “Uh I told you so? He isn’t right for you.” I sighed loudly and then rehashed the evening in painfully minute detail. “Ok, here is what you are going to do,” Toni bossed. “You are going to go get your bags and toss your skankiest clothes in. Eh, don’t even think about arguing with me because your skanky clothes are what the rest of us call normal. Then you are going to jump in that beater your cheap-ass dad got you and safely haul your ass to my lake house. It’s only like 8:30 and since you stay up all night anyway you might as well spend it en route to some fun. And you aren’t going back in a week to wait around for the dumbass either. He has your number. He said he would call, but when he doesn’t at least you won’t be alone.”

  Ouch. Talk about ripping the band-aid off. I nodded, and then realized I was talking on the phone. “You win. I’ll leave in a half an hour.”

  2

  Aiden

  I think I hate sorority girls. I might also be starting to hate blondes. All I wanted to do was head to the lake with my two best friends and get away from crazy chicks. I’ve had enough with their estrogen driven shit. But where is our cabin located? That's right, in between two different groups of women. I can’t catch a break.

  The sorority girls are the worst though. I mean they have definitely resurrected Legally Blonde and drank the Kool Aid. Shit, they are wearing scraps of shiny pink fabric that kinda looks like scales. They all have the same color blonde, and I have zero interest in seeing if it is natural.

  I shook my head at them trying to pose seductively for my friend Jeremy, which is going to get them nowhere because he is totally gay. We have been friends forever, and I’ve known he was gay since high school. I usually don’t even think about it. That was until five dumber than shit blondes each surrounded him trying to stick their plastic breasts out farther than the other.

  A few years ago, hell a month ago, I would have been all over this situation. Those girls are easy, they know it, and they know we know it. Not happening today though. All I wanted to do was steal one of Nick’s pretentious micro-brews from the cooler on the porch and drink. Maybe if I drank enough the red head doing a piss poor job of learning to jet ski wouldn’t be making my heart race. God, does she really have to laugh like that while she totally floods the thing? There is nothing sexier than a girl who doesn’t take herself too seriously.

  I took another long pull from the bottle. I’m going to have to switch to something harder if she continues to toss that magnificent red hair around. What the hell is wrong with me? There are five nearly naked girls right in front of me, and I can’t stop watchi
ng the one in a plain one piece covered up by an ugly ass orange life vest.

  I really don’t need this shit right now. Sure things have been strained between Vanessa and me. We haven’t had a real conversation in a long time. Shit, we haven’t had a real relationship in a long time. Honestly it has never felt like a real relationship to me. Instead of coming home from NYU this summer she chose to stay and take summer classes, but we have been together for nearly seven years. Seven very long years. Guilt is a bitch. I've buried myself under so much of it I can't seem to find my way out. Guilt bonded us together, and kept us that way ever since.

  Nick comes stomping out of the cabin behind me. “Dammit Aiden, go to the fucking store and buy your own beer. You don’t even like my shit.” “Fine, do you need anything?” “No, just get some good stuff. None of that cheap stuff that tastes like piss.” I nodded my agreement. What the hell, I could use some cigarettes anyway, and to get away from the goddess I can only pray is gone when I get back. I'm not free, and seeing Red reminds me of the shackles around my neck.

  The trip to the store was too fast, but when I got back the red head was gone. I am disappointed as well as relieved, but I won’t examine it too closely. I put the beer in the fridge and stepped back out on the porch for a smoke. As soon as I lit up I saw Nick and Jeremy coming around the corner with Antonia, the spunky Latina from next door, and damn, the red head.

  Nick has been trying unsuccessfully all week to get into Toni’s pants, but now he is just too fucking close to the one I want. I mean, if I were free to want. Dammit. I can’t help that right now I want to punch my best friend in his face for slipping his arm around her shoulders and whispering in her ear. I want to pound on him because he is free to flirt with her and I’m not.

  I came straight to Chelan from visiting Vanessa in New York. I have no doubt Vanessa has something going with another guy. She didn’t exactly hide it from me during my visit. So there wouldn’t be any harm in just talking to Red. I would be doing her a favor actually, because Nick is a total player. I can tell by the way she was blushing that she is really innocent. I’m sure she is a virgin by the way she keeps looking away and flushing. Not that Nick would give a shit. He would totally take advantage of her. Asshole.

  In order to save her virtue and my friendship I should really just get off the porch and talk to her. I must say I am impressed at how easily I talked myself into this. I don’t even feel guilty. Maybe a little guilty, but only at how right it feels heading toward her.

  “Hey Toni, I see you finally have some company,” I said trying to get an introduction. “Yeah, I finally convinced her to get out of Ellensburg and hang with me.” I gulped, hard. How was it I never asked Toni where she went to college? I should have at least checked if she went to Central too. Shit, that means Red goes there too.

  Oblivious to my internal debate Nick unknowingly decided to torture me. “Becca I wanted you to meet my friend Aiden. He goes to Central too.” Ah, Red’s name is Becca, cute. I reached my hand out to her, “Nice to meet you Becca. Is that short for something?” My voice had become a low growl, but only I seem to have noticed. Becca’s face flamed up. Nope she noticed too. I don’t usually go for blushing virgins, but God does she make it seem sexy. “It’s short for Rebecca,” she answered in a husky feminine voice. Even her voice is sexy.

  Nick led Toni off into the house. I can tell he was getting closer to his end goals with her. Part of me feels like I should warn her he doesn’t stick around. What kind of hypocrite would that make me? I am flirting with her friend even though I know it isn’t going anywhere.

  I noticed Becca glance toward my pack of cigarettes on the porch rail. “Do you smoke?” I asked. “Not usually. I mean I have, but only after drinking,” she shrugged. I can tell that she really wanted to smoke, so I reached into the cooler and grabbed a beer that I re-stocked. “There now you have a drink, why don’t you join me?” She opened the bottle and took a big drink. I stared at the way her neck strained forward. I imagined dragging my tongue across where I could see her pulse flutter.

  I turned away from her until it became too obvious where my thoughts were wandering. I grabbed the pack and shook out two cigarettes. I handed her one and leaned forward to light it for her. She took a long drag and sighed. I know smoking is awful, and I should quit, but something about what she just did was captivating. It really wasn't the cigarette, it was like she just made some major life decision and I was watching it. I’ve barely talked to her and I was fascinated. Maybe I should go call Vanessa and stop thinking about this girl. At least then I’ll remember why I was trying to drink myself into oblivion.

  3

  Rebecca

  I was really second guessing allowing Toni to talk me into coming out here last night. But she was right, as usual, I had fun trying to learn how to jet ski. I totally suck, but it was fun. I was having a good time talking to Aiden, until he said he had to make a call and left. That was a few hours ago.

  Before he left I kept noticing him staring at me. It seemed like he was flirting, and then poof he was gone. I shouldn’t be surprised though. That is what guys do, at least as far as I’m concerned. They send mixed signals. Not that I’m really interested in trying to go on a date. Maybe Toni has the right idea. She is dragging this thing out with Nick so she can have some fun for the next couple of weeks, and then she’ll sleep with him and that will be that.

  Antonia has met a lot of people in the few weeks she has been here. So, I wasn't surprised when she announced we are throwing a party. I don’t want to throw a party. There will be cleaning up to do, and lots of drunken strangers. She insists we do it before Kate comes up next week though because Kate is a prude. Yes I know that is weird coming from me, but she dresses like a Sunday school teacher. She is smokin’ hot, but she hides under dowdy shapeless clothes. She would really hate this.

  For the next hour we ran around shoving breakables into cabinets, our jewelry into her father's safe, and tidying up in general. I called Kate to complain, because she would get it. Yeah, I want to burn her wardrobe, maybe get her tipsy. Not drunk, just out of her own head.

  "Hey Kate," I greeted when she answered. "Hey back, Bec. What's Toni done now?" she teased. I groaned. Kate always cut to the chase. "She's throwing a party to land her newest conquest." "Ah, I see. I'm glad I skipped this trip. About that actually, I'm not sure I'm going to make it there at all," she said dropping the bomb. "Kate com'on, you can't abandon me here with her when she is in party mode," I begged. "Becca, you don't have to be there you know. I have to work. I...I just hate those kind of things. I love you both, you know that, but her parties aren't my thing. Besides, I'm trying to convince my brother to transfer to Central." "How is Cameron anyway?" I asked, falling for her changing subjects.

  "He's hanging in there. He's heartbroken, but he'll get over it. I'm sorry I'm not there for you, but I just can't you know?" she said quietly. "Are you ever going to tell me what you're hiding from?" I asked her. "Are you?" she countered. "Touché. I guess some skeletons are better left in their closets," I muttered.

  "Listen, I love Toni, but she doesn't always know what is best for you. Her heart is in a good place, but she has her own demons too. You tried to keep up with her love 'em and leave 'em ways once. It nearly broke you. It's going to break her. Just be careful please," Kate advised. "Ugh, I guess I better go get ready. I have drunken college boys to fend off," I complained. "Have fun with that," she said and we hung up.

  Soon after the party was in full swing I saw the sorority girls Toni told me about over the phone. I saw Nick and Jeremy, but I didn't recognize another person. Toni's attention was occupied with her guests, and I decided getting some air might help. I snuck out onto the front porch. Unfortunately, a very drunk and very large guy followed me out.

  “Hey sugar, I noticed you earlier when you were dancing. You really got me worked up,” he slurred blowing his beer breath across my face. “It wasn’t my intention, believe me,” I replied through my teeth. I
tried to back away, but I was pinned in by the house and the railing. Toni had the music up loud. I could scream my head off and no one would hear me. I was really starting to get scared, and for the first time I was starting to believe my mom was right. I wasn’t better, and I couldn't handle the real world. I felt sweat bead up by my hairline. I was on the verge of a major panic attack.

  “Get the fuck away from her before I knock your face in,” Aiden growled rounding the corner. “Sorry dude, I didn’t know. She was inside alone. I though she was fair game. No offense really,” the douche muttered as he stumbled away from the cabin.

  “Thank you,” I said, my voice quivering. He rushed over to me and looked like he was afraid I was going to freak out. He rubbed my arms up and down, not in a sexual way, but a gesture of comfort. I found it very sweet, and oddly I didn’t flinch. I always told people who tried to get close to me that I was just not a touchy-feely kind of person, but the truth was I hated being touched.

  “You don’t seem to have any idea of the effect you have on men. I watched you dance too. I think everyone in there with a dick checked you out at some point. Not that he has any excuse to push himself on you like that. And he would have and more if I hadn’t come outside just then. Some guys are turned on by the whole innocent virgin thing. They see it as a challenge or some shit.”

  My mouth just fell open. First the guy I like takes off because I’m a virgin and now this guy is implying my virginity is so obvious I almost got attacked because of it. He seemed not to realize how pissed off I was getting and kept talking. “Now I don’t really get off being a girl’s first. It puts too much pressure on something that can be awkward enough. I really don’t want to hurt a girl either. I think it would be a complete turn-off. I wasn’t even my girl friend’s first and we’ve been together for seven years.”